Who are you?

Alison Rowan. And if that's not good enough, tough shit, I've never had any patience with those wibbly bullshitters who claim to be getting to your innermost soul by giving you a hard time.

What do you want?

Loads of things. Money, a really big house, various illicit luxuries, a publishing contract and a worldwide anarchist revolution. Of course if I get the last item the earlier ones become a little spurious.

How will it end?

At the bottom of the page.

What's it all about, though, when you get right down to it - I mean, really?

It's not 'about' anything, there is no 'point', it's all just part of the abstract walk-in installation that is life. Enjoy.

What do you 'do'?

I am actively seeking work - no, I am, really!

Who would you most like to have assassinated?

I'm actually not that hot on killing people, so not Bill Gates or Jerry Springer, even though both could do with being shut away in a cupboard for the rest of their natural lives (which wouldn't be very long if you didn't feed them). Shooting Tony Blair would only gain the government popularity. Moira Knox came straight out of a mould, so there's plenty more where she came from. So the most honest, but probably least funny answer, would have to be "anyone who doesn't have the good sense or taste to surrender when the revolution comes".

Who would you most like to commission a statue of?

My mate Dave Stone, or any other individual who is famous for being drunk (but Dave would be funniest, and in any case he likes to find his name on the web), lying down on a pavement so that passers by can trip over it. Call it an installation and you'll probably get a grant.

Right now, what is your favourite: film, colour, record, book, TV show, comic, magazine, stone, tree, animal and item of clothing. Answers written in random order get extra points.

The Draughtsman's Contract, DARKCYAN (#008B8B), Patti Smith's Peace and Noise, The Dispossessed, Babylon 5, The Invisibles, The Big Issue, garnet, rowan, crested lizards, my red velvet skirt.

Name a hobby or pastime of yours that is respectable enough to put on a CV.

Writing web pages, I guess, or writing fiction, though I don't tell them what either of them are about.

Name any non-respectable hobbies or pastimes of yours (optional).

God, how long have you got? Sex and drugs and rock 'n' roll and going to the pub and sitting around chatting and plotting the worldwide anarchist revolution and...

Which words or sayings do you overuse? Stop it.

Too many to mention. Just lately I seem to be saying "that would be jolly" a bit often, but "more Xs than you could shake a fairly pointed stick at" and "...which says a lot about something or other" are also mine.

What should we buy you if we're going to the corner shop? (Note things that are actually stocked in the corner shop are more likely to meet with success.)

Diet Coke (every time), salt and vinegar or ready salted crisps that aren't actually made of slices of potato, hoola hoops or square crisps for preference, fruit gums, smarties, and a copy of the Independant.

How do you take your tea/coffee?

Coffee - white no sugar, Tea - I don't, I loathe the stuff, unless it's Earl Grey or Jasmine and I'm in the mood.

What is your favourite eight letter word?

Nepenthe. I have therefore not used it anywhere as a password.

Have you got any words of advice for young people?

There is no ladder. All that stuff about how if you get good O levels you get good A levels and then a degree and then a good job and a mortgage and a spouse and 2.x kids and a dog is just so much bollocks.

And now the traditional "big question": For reasons we won't go into, a mysterious benefactor has permitted you to travel back in time. Which historical event do you chose to witness?

I want to see whether the aquatic ape theory is true. I'm not sure if there's one historic "event" that would prove this one way or the other, evolution being what it is, but a nice family group on the beach would be worth seeing...

What souvenir would you bring back with you (from any time zone)?

A skeleton of a human ancestor that adds to our knowledge of human evolution, preferably an aquatic one, but whatever. However actually bringing back such a thing would invalidate its scientific usefulness by a) taking it out of it's geological context, and b) it not being fossilised, so I'd settle for a small, but recognisable, bit of fossil and the location of the rest of it.

There are a lot of time travellers out there. In the course of your travels you overhear some people from our future talking about our present. What do they say?

"Can I see your newspaper?"
"But it's the same as yours - they're all the same."
"What?"

You aren't supposed to meddle, but due to your benefactor's not paying attention, you have the chance to send a message to one person any time in the past - what is it?

"Alan Turing, not only is homosexuality going to be legal in your lifetime, but computers are going to be dead impressive - don't do it!"

On your return from the past you realise that a certain thing has not been invented - what is it, and would you go on to invent it yourself or leave well enough alone?

CFC aerosols. No.

And for your bonus point - can you think of a better name for hedonism/xibalba/badan/etc than Not-SFSoc? Please?

Not the Cult of Gomorrah (or I'll be getting myself a bad name). I quite like the word "posse", but can't think of an appropriate adjective.

Last updated 21st November 1999

Go to Hedonism's index of answered questionnaires.