Picture by N!k

Picture the scene - two blonde, busty women, overcome by frustration, falling all over each other in a steamy but basically unorgasmic love scene, Suddenly the door opens - her husband is home early. "Oh Frank! just when we could use a nice juicy cock!" (I'm not joking, I actually read that line somewhere!)

The reality is fortunately rather different, but all too often we allow these dishonest pictures of our lives to put us off what would otherwise be pleasurable adventures, It pains me to think how long it took me to admit that my very first sexual encounter with a woman was as part of a threesome with my straight boyfriend. At the time I was having a hard enough time fitting in without putting off the few bi-friendly women I knew!

Since then I've enjoyed threesomes and foursomes of many different moods and combinations, from a long term arrangement with my boyfriend and a female lover, to a one night adventure with three lovers and a riding crop. Far from the image of two women being used voyeuristically by a man, my all time favourite was probably the first time I saw two men making love. I had begun to get jealous of my boyfriend's first male lover, and seeing them together and participating was a wonderful antidote and very beautiful to watch.

Not a lot has been written about group sex, especially in bisexual publications where we are perhaps still a little unsure of ourselves or too jealous of the little space we that we have to spend any of it on what has to be one of the major bisexual stereotypes. The fact is, though, that some bisexuals do do group sex (and probably a lot more would like to), and we are being let down by the available literature, which, even when it doesn't fall for the "men and women in lurve" myth, allows precious little time for sex as an expression of friendship and adventure. An exception to this for me was The Joy of Sex and More Joy of Sex (the earlier editions and not the "post-AIDS' expurgated editions). Although some of the comments jar when I re-read them now, their acceptance of bisexuality and down-to-earth advice about group sex was very helpful to me at the time.

One comment that stays with me is about how educational a group sex scene can be. After all, not even all that many sexologists have actually seen a couple, of whichever genders, having sex. It is very different to watch than to participate, and it can be particularly fascinating to watch two people of the other sex together. It is easy to feel guilty about this when "voyeur" is considered an insult, but it is a natural part of any group scene, and having a break while you get gently turned on and intrigued by watching other people is entirely different to the picture of the frustrated male voyeur who can't wait to dive to the "rescue" with his cock!

It is very hard to advise on how to conduct a group scene. In 'Sapphistry" Pat Califia suggests that a group of women get together to negotiate before anything gets started. This may be advisable, but it has never happened that way with me. What is more likely to happen is that two (or more) people decide they would really like to get a third person to bed. This can be a little unfair on the third party, so don't forget that people are generally more able to express their feelings one-to-one. It may seem a little clumsy taking turns to go to the toilet or make coffee while the other two have a quick chat, but its better than getting someone into a scene that they don't really want.

Every experience of group sex will be different (another way in which real life differs from the porn films), but there are a few basic ground rules and ideas that can make it go more smoothly. The first is to make enough time and space for what you want to do. Group sex tends to take longer than "ordinary" sex, after all once you've got that person to bed you want to make the most of it, and you need to allow time for people to get over their embarrassment and get turned on. Space is also important, although I have managed a threesome half in and half out of a 2' 6" bunk bed I wouldn't recommend it. Don't be put off if you don't have a mansion with six foot beds, though - cushions or mattresses on the floor are just as good - and people can manage to make love in a much smaller space than they could all comfortably sleep in.

The other major ground rule is about expectations. The more people are involved the less chance there is of all of them getting exactly what they want - so be flexible. Penetration is a particularly intimate experience, and not everyone will want it. If you do have a willing partner it might be polite to ask the others if they mind, as it can take you away from the action a bit and seem exclusive. And don't expect multiway simultaneous orgasms - group sex is often a more relaxed experience than sex in a couple.

There's not a lot more to say, except that it is perfectly acceptable to spend the first half of the evening saying "are we really doing this?'. The people in the porn films wouldn't dare let themselves be caught giggling - but we know better than that ...

Last updated 4th March 2000