I am looking for the answer to a simple question, or two questions. Firstly, is it ever possible to tell someone that they are bisexual whether they like it or not? And secondly, is it possible to tell someone who calls themselves bi that they're not really?

The second question seems to have been answered in the affirmative time and again in the gay press, and sometimes in the straight press too. Even bisexuals have started doing it if our current attitude to Brett Anderson is anything to go by. Yes, the "bisexual who hasn't slept with a man yet" is no longer flavour of the month, possibly because we have so many other rock stars now that it's almost like the 70's again, possibly because no-one can understand how he can be short of a shag if he wants one ("Why doesn't he advertise?" said a friend of mine.) I have also heard bisexuals express the fear more usually heard in the gay world that they will be taken in by a straight "posing as" bisexual and bemoaning the "fashionability" of bisexuality in the media - almost, it seems, trying to get the comment in first.

What has got into us? We used to argue that bisexuality simply wasn't fashionable any more. Now that there is the faintest chance that it might, possibly, perhaps, be trendy again are we so popular that we can afford to slag off straight people coming out as bisexual? Or is this not such a new phenomenon, but the return (if it ever went away) of a rather old inferiority complex?

Because I think it is an inferiority complex. Not perhaps an obvious one, but one where we worry about whether we are "gay enough" and consequently feel embarrassed by other bisexuals who don't fit that description. I think that this would explain why we are a bit unhappy about Brett Anderson, Kurt Cobain and even Madonna, but positively delighted to associate ourselves with Della Grace, Tom Robinson and Lisa Power.

What is the difference? Well all of the last three, and many others active in gay political life, have admitted on more than one occasion to sleeping with members of the opposite sex (Tom Robinson even lives with one) but none will call themselves bisexual. The bi movement likes these people. Both Della Grace and Lisa Power have appeared at the London bi group, and both Bifrost and Bi-Monthly printed interviews with Tom Robinson. Lisa Power was even a speaker at two bisexual conferences. Imagine going to a group or conference and being asked to listen to someone who identified as straight admitting to sleeping with the same sex? Would we put them on a platform and cheer?

I think we wouldn't, and of course there's more than one reason, not the least being that the putative bisexual who identifies as straight is unlikely to be supporting our cause in the first place. But I don't think we should allow a person's credentials in the gay movement to stop us saying we think they should be identifying as bisexual, as well as supporting us - if that is what we think.

It isn't an immediately obvious conclusion. Tom Robinson's argument is that he identifies as gay because that is what the bigot in the street will see him as. Pat Califia and many other "lesbians who sleep with men" say that they may have sex with men, but they are not committed to them in the same way as they are to women. Indeed anyone who is out as gay, especially so publicly, is likely to have thought about how they identify, and and will probably be unhappy about changing that.

I can't, however, agree with the tendency in the bisexual community to say that people should be allowed to identify however they like, and that we should respect that. Personally I would rather we showed a bit more respect for our own sexuality by allowing it to have some meaning, and didn't stand for it when other people tried to say that it is apolitical (as Tom Robinson implies), or that "true bisexuality" means being equally attracted to both sexes either sexually (Terry Sanderson) or emotionally (almost every "lesbian who sleeps with men" ever). After all, Courtney Love gets short shrift for saying that she's not bisexual because she prefers men to women (to summarise her somewhat, er, incoherent views).

I hope it's clear here that I'm not attacking any individual for not coming out as bi. Most of us know how difficult that can be, whether from a straight or a gay background. The difference is that we do, ultimately, expect those from a straight background to make a statement, and feel justified in getting annoyed when, like Madonna, their activities are clear but they still refuse to align themselves with us. And there are practical considerations. It is still possible to lose your job or your standing for being bisexual - even in the gay community.

My views are not totally unique among bisexuals of course. When Della Grace came to LBG in 1991 she was certainly challenged about identifying as a lesbian. But neither are they common, nor views that we are prepared to speak up on. It seems that too often we want to present bisexuality and the bisexual community in the most inoffensive way possible, and that precludes upsetting gay activists, particularly those few that support us.

And how about Brett Anderson? Of all the people in this article he is the only one to have actually called himself bisexual, and while he is often portrayed as naive, he can hardly be completely ignorant, as Suede's drummer, calls himself "a bisexual who hasn't slept with a woman yet" (odd how rarely that makes it into the gay press...) And has he gone back on that statement? Not that I've seen, although at one point he did seem to be trying to say "look, can't we forget about this, I never expected this kind of reaction." But if he has I can't blame him. Bisexuals need support in coming out, support I often we're not giving them.

As to my two questions at the start. I feel that the answer to both is technically yes. That clearly if there is anything that bisexuality is then there has to something that it is not, and that we certainly shouldn't be afraid to say this. But I also feel that while bisexual visibility is the way it still is, in spite of the odd boost in the music press, I would like to see bisexuals calling people a little more on the first question. And a lot less on the second.

Last updated 4th March 2000