Picture by Goldfish

Non-monogamy is difficult. This is the premise I started out with when I offered to run a Creative Non-monogamy workshop at the conference. [BiCon 11] It proved so popular that I had to run it twice, and we reached some interesting conclusions that I hope are worth sharing.

People who want to be non-monogamous are beseiged by the self-contradictory popular views that it is both an easy (and therefore selfish) option, and that it is so hard that no non-monogamous relationship stands a hope of success. The truth I have found over the last eight years is that being conscientiousely non-monogamous is difficult - in pretty much the same way as all relationships can be. We tend to think that relationships, like sex, should come naturally. Now it's generally accepted that good sex can be learnt, and we have countless books and videos to prove it. There are even books on how to be monogamous. But what about other types of relationship? Where are the instructions?

We started with a few examples of types of non-monogamy. Each of these models can work, under the right circumstances, and which you choose depends on what type of relationship you would like to have, and on which aspects of non-monogamy worry you or your partner(s).

An open relationship (or open marriage) is the most familier model. In this two people decide that their primary relationship is with each other, but that they are free to enjoy sex with people outside that relationship. There can be various vetos or permissions placed on who you sleep with or what type of a relationship you have with them. For instance, you may only wish to sleep with one gender (usually the other gender to your partner). You may stick to one night stands, or to sex with friends which is accepted to be casual. One couple did whatever they wanted so long as it didn't entail spending a night away from their home. Sleeping with others while in other cities (or countries), cottaging only, or no cottaging, sharing lovers: as we went on we realised the list would be nearly endless, with each subtle variation being of huge importance to at least some couples.

Some options are well known enough to have names: duogamy is where a person has only two partners; often, but not necessarily, one of each gender. Polyfidelity is a closed relationship involving more than two people, where the introduction of another person would have to be agreed bu every member. These set-ups can be as long-term as a marriage and involve shared houses and jointly caring for children. For most of us, this kind of situation may seem far-fetched, but considering the options can make you realise not only how many of them there are, but how rich and complex non-monogamy can be.

Why so many models? Partly because non-monogamy, like monogamy, presents different problems to different people, who have different ways of dealing with them. Which aspects of non-monogamy worry you most? Is it being left alone, temporarily or permanently, the fear that they will find another partner first, people finding out, safer sex, or just worries about how to fit it all in to your time?

Most people start out with the belief that they will be jealous, but this emotion can hide a multitude of concerns. The idea that sex alone can demonstrate love and loyalty is the biggest myth we have to face. Why should we get jealous if a lover has sex with someone else, but not if they have other close friends? If we work out what it is about sex for us that makes it so special we might be better placed to see what we are actually jealous of, be it time, emotional support or even money. Another confusion we discovered here is between jealousy and envy. It can be far from trivial if you discuss non-monogamy, decide you're not going to be jealous, and then your partner gets off with the woman you've had your eye on for months! Similarly you could be envious because your partner is having more success than you. Unfortunately, choosing non-monogamy won't instantly conjure up partners for either of you.

The most difficult points in a non-monogamous relationship will tend to be when one or other of you starts seeing someone else, because that's when things change. Change is always threatening, however advanced we like to think ourselves. One of the biggest concerns at the workshops came from people involved in currently monogamous relationships who wanted to change that. How do you explain that it's not that you are tired of your partner? In some cases just mentioning non-monogamy can be as scary as practising it.

With this sort of insecurity it was suggested that it's often best after mentioning the idea to leave it for a while and demonstrate otion in practice. This makes it clear that it's non-monogamy in principle that interests you and not just finding new partners. Being non-monogamous in principle for a while offers the chance for you both to get used to the idea, eye up other people and discuss what might happen. It will also make something clear that many people forget. It's not sleeping with other people that makes you non-monogamous, it's the agreements you make. If you can't find, or maybe aren't even interested in, other partners at the moment, non-monogamy still makes an enormous difference to your relationships. If in doubt, ask anyone who's ever ended up monogamous by default.

The main subject dealt with in the workshops was negotiation, and this is a huge subject, covering many books and much jargon. The basics, as always, include openness and honesty, expressing things in terms of what you feel and without gratuitous insults. ("I'm worried that you'll leave me", rather than "you'll go off with that tart from accounts") and allowing that there is no "right" way to feel. It's also very important to allow yourself time and a quiet space to talk. Things won't go well if you're uncomfortable or you have to rush off to a meeting just when things get difficult.

We ended the workshop with a huge list of positive aspects of non-monogamy, and I was relieved to see that even after all the heavy negotiating no-one had any difficulty thinking of them. And it may surprise you monogamous types that `lots of sex' came about three quarters of the way down the list. More important were `honesty', `having shoulders to cry on', `being able to talk about who you both fancy', and `knowing your lover really want to stay with you'. The list was long, and no doubt contained many things that can also be gained in a monogamous relationship, but for the sixty-four people who came to the workshops, as well as for many others, non-monogamy offers the best option. My favourite positive point was that non-monogamy redefines sex, managing somehow to make it both more, and less, important. Less because it no longer needs to be the hinge and the hang-up of a relationship, and more because we are at last able to use it in fun, friendship and emotional closeness to its full potential.

Last updated 4th March 2000