The last time it happened was in a workshop about pornography. The discussion had got, inevitably, on to rape and abuse, and I unwisely mentioned the man who raped me and his lack of imagination in the sexual department. The next thing I knew there was a strange arm around my shoulder and a man who could have made three of me was thanking me for 'sharing that with him'. What to do? If I shook him off his new male apologies might be even worse, but if I didn't how was I supposed to respond? Burst into tears? Either way he might tail me for the rest of the evening. He did.

Another time it was my counsellor, she didn't believe in hugging clients, but she put her hand on my knee in an awkward way , and afterwards couldn't be persuaded that some problems were unrelated to The Rape (which had acquired capitals by then).

The point isn't just that hugs can be as unwelcome and intrusive as any other physical attentions, it's also that these people, and there have been many, and women, assume the right to judge what upsets me. People I've never met before praise my courage if I tell them at all. They treat me as if it's the first time I've said it. What makes them so self-centred as to think I'd choose them? But if I said that I'd risk being left looking un-right-on about a rape that, when it boils down to it, happened to me.

You see I have really got over it. I can already see you doubting me, but the only long lasting effect rape left me with was a healthy determination never to be caught out without the means to get myself home ever again. I am, if you really want to know, much more likely to break down over the time I spent worse than penniless in a house with holes in the walls than over being raped seven years ago. Don't assume that rape is the worst that can happen.

Why does rape have this effect? Do we still, deep down, believe it to be a fate worse than death? Sometimes I used to feel tempted to take advantage of the phenomenon, particularly at more unwelcoming women's groups. "Look, I can be a proper feminist too, I've been raped!" I resent being made to feel this way and now avoid this sort of situation Altogether. Please don't assume oppression or suffering gain you points.

It did feel like the worst thing that had ever happened to me at the time, but that was as much because I couldn't tell anyone than because of the event itself. I knew that if he thought I wanted it, so would the police. My mother would be upset that I wasn't a virgin (she thought he was such a nice boy, too). The bruises healed, the damage from realising what people thought of me for being sexual at all took longer. Don't assume that rape itself is the main problem.

Of course I'm not saying that all this is true of every rape victim (I would say survivor, but it's not how we're treated). I'm aware that many people have had worse experiences than mine, and that no-one can legislate for how experiences effect people. Neither am I excusing my attacker (should I have to explain that?). But for me rape is one of the many crap things that have happened to me and I remember it accordingly, using it in discussions, but otherwise living with it.

I hope that at this year's conference other people will be able to do the same.

Last updated 4th March 2000